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Good
Morning/Afternoon/Evening Ladies/Gentlemen/Fat folk/Skinny
Folk/Hetro's/Homo's/Creepy Folk and Simple Folk.
Back by
major popular demand is the amazingly accurate match reports
otherwise known as Match of the Duddy (or MOTD for short), In
it’s heyday MOTD captured a cult following and it was rumoured
that people could not sleep, work or eat (well obviously not
Chunky - Its good to be back!!) without the weekly fix on how
this bunch of under achieving alcoholic, womanising, gibberish
talking bunch of amateur footballers got on at the weekend. It
has been way too long since the last edition of this popular
supplement with Journalistic skills that would put the great
Graham Spiers to shame (that’s that posh sounding public
schoolboy, rugby playing twat from Scotsport for those less
educated than my good self). In my role as Mikey Motson, match
reporter extraordinaire I brought a ray of light into many a
person's sad existence, however to be honest the football over
the last couple of years has brought an ever optimist like
myself to tears and there was no way to spin the fun and joy
that is MOTD from our performances. Indeed the mighty Duddy
were seconds from Bankruptcy recently until a last minute
package was put together to save the club (an impressive turn
out at this years AGM really!!!). This season we decided to
make a go of it though, the club resigned from the old league
and joined the Fair Play League and have got our self sorted
for the coming season.
For
those of you that don’t know a quick insight into the origins
of MOTD are that our esteemed old leader Mr Buglass moved to
the other side of the world (Oz) to get away from us and we
introduced MOTD as a way to keep him updated on the goings on
back home. On my recent trip to savour his fantastic
hospitality he commented that MOTD was the only thing keeping
him going and I decided I didn’t want to have his life falling
away from him on my conscience so hence the return.
It has
been a rather hectic pre season and we have been training 2
times a week (with at least 11 folk turning up each week) to
be put through the pain barrier by both Nibs and Brenty, we
are on the verge of signing a lucrative sponsorship deal with
First Mortgage (slobbo's work) for a new set of strips for the
new season and we have renewed the stadium on the hallowed
turf of Duddingston for the coming year even managing to
secure a ground sharing deal with one of the other teams for
the new season. Anyway, that’s the update now back to the
footy and the first pre season friendly of the season against
Edinburgh Windsor. We have been tortured for 4 weeks now in
pre season training and the announcement to the 16 boys (yes
16 that is not a misprint) that we had a friendly this week
brought squeals of joy to Nipple and manly shouts to the rest
of the team apart from GI Gee who had his mouth full!! The
game was arranged to be played at Mayfield Leisure centre at
2.00 so the decision was made to meet at the Fairmile Inn for
1.00. The usual suspects turned up still drunk due to getting
in at ridiculous hour and it was good to be back to the
rigours of Sunday football. After leaving the Fairmile at 1.30
we managed to find the pitch at 1.50, only to be told it had
been moved (not the pitch the game) to somewhere else in
Scotland, Brenty proceeded to take us on a tour of Midlothian
and we eventually arrived much to the amusement of Raul who
got to see a bit more of Scotland than he had expected.
Anyway,
the usual insults/nonsense was being branded about by the team
idiots and I spotted genuine glee in GI Gee's eyes as we
started to strip and get into our gear. Unfortunately the most
useless man at doing anything had been given the task of
washing the strips over the summer and not only had Slobbo not
managed to get rid of any dirt from them, his machine had
ripped into the strips like Chunky would rip into a KFC
bucket. On the plus side Nipple had bought new socks and the
comfort of these gave the team a pre match boost before the
announcement of Nibbs first team of the season. Missing from
selection today was Michelle McManus who was apparently up
North but rumour has it he was spotted doing the rounds in an
all you can eat buffet and he is still there now! Bear was
unavailable for selection so Twiglet had to go in goals, Sacs
had a 'head cold' which I don’t know what that is but
apparently it makes you feel like 'heading the ball is the
last thing you want to do' (surely Random constantly has a
head cold then?) Random was away studying....his next door
neighbour’s house before his burglary attempt and Trevor was
away on International duty. Along with Nibbs having a sore hip
that left only 12 players for Nibbs to decide on and his first
line up was as above.
The
naming of Slobbo as a midfielder brought the most chuckles to
the team, (in fact the naming of Slobbo in the first 11
brought a chuckle to the team) and the usual comments of lets
have some communication today, lets do the easy things and
lets get into them were all stated and forgotten about within
2 mins of the kick off. GI Gee the creep was on the sideline
along with Nibbs who pranced the sideline like a Martin
O’Neill clone. The usual pre match warm up ensued with lets
kick all the balls at the goals at the same time and see if we
can injure the keeper before the game, usually God frowns upon
this practice but the great man was the instigator on this
occasion due to the fact it was the anorexic Ethiopian in
goal. So to the game and it was left for God and Raul to take
centre on the lush grass of somewhere in Midlothian.
Edinburgh Windsor v Duddingston Athletic.
The game
started brightly - for Edinburgh Windsor as the collection of
weirdo's in the Duddingston team went about trying to get used
to the new formation and some getting used to the fact they
hadn’t played 11's for years (Slobbo, Nipple and Brenty for
starters). The first 10 mins consisted of the Duddingston
defence being put under extreme pressure mainly due to the
fact that we didn’t feel like marking and giving the
opposition acres of space (would never happen when Chunky or
Random are in the team) however on the plus side to rescue the
situation bodies were being thrown in from various angles to
stop shots reaching the goals and putting Twiglet’s frail
frame at risk of snapping in half. The midfield were spending
more time defending than attacking and the strike force of God
and Raul (has a nice ring to it eh?) were as frustrated as
Stam at the strippers at the lack of service. Within 2 mins 20
seconds of the game the inevitable happened, Chopper Willson
picked up an Injury and had to be replaced. Jamesie came on to
make his debut with Nipple moving back to left back. After a
tentative first 15 mins Duddy started to put the foot on the
ball and actually started to play some nice stuff, Jamesie
was causing all sorts of havoc down the left with his pace and
it was taking the longer serving members of the team a bit by
surprise looking left to see a Duddy player actually running
with the ball unlike the lumbering steamroller of a pitch
flattener that usually occupies this position (Michelle
McManus will struggle to reclaim his place if Jamesie keeps up
this kind of form). The first half hour brought very few
chances for either team with the Duddy defence standing firm
somehow at one stage both Brenty and Stam made rummaging
forays up the pitch to support the strikers and the midfield
but to no avail. The game was all Duddy now but as is to be
expected of this team that’s when we went behind. In 34
minutes (I know this as the ref told us this on the way home
in the car) a long ball was punted through by the opposition
keeper towards the goal, panic reigned at the thought of
anybody taking responsibility to clear it or shout to each
other and finally Nipple cleared for a corner, the corner was
swung in towards the keeper and Twiglets weak body was unable
to keep it out. EDIN WINDSOR 1 - 0 DUDDY.
A
possible mini strop by God ensued but was quickly stopped and
encouragement to keep heads up went around the team. Still
Duddy went about there business in an efficient manner without
causing the opposition keeper to many problems, the defence
retained its solidity and things were looking more promising,
Raul was looking the part up front beside his more illustrious
strike partner and on the balance of play Duddy were unlucky
to be behind. A couple of long throws from Gary Scott and some
neat interplay from Raul, Jamesie and Young Mark resulted in a
few half chances but nothing too serious. On the stroke of
half time the moment all the ladies had come to see and the
rest of the team had come to expect, God pulled his less
talented team mates from the obscurity of rubbish into the
realms of fantastic. A superbly timed run by the God one was
spotted by Raul who looked to play him in, unfortunately the
pass was a bit lame and the last defender was surely to
clear.....but fortunately he failed to control the ball and it
slipped through to the onrushing God, from there the only
outcome was positive for Duddy, God ran in one on one with the
keeper dummied to the side before producing the most beautiful
pirouette around him leaving an empty net and a cursing keeper
behind, the coolness personified by MIKEY DIXON led to his and
the club’s first of the season. EDIN WINDSOR 1-1 DUDDY. The
half time whistle was then blown to leave it 1-1 at half time.
Manager
Nibs was delighted with the effort by the boys and the usual
half time team talk elapsed into Nibs talking and nobody
listening to him as it is much more fun to slate other members
of the team and talking about the activities of the previous
night. The second half was delayed for 5 minutes as Raul
decided to start an argument with the ref about the pressure
of the ball as it was not to his liking, wait until he
witnesses amateur football in the middle of December!!!!
Eventually the ball situation was resolved and we kicked off
with the same ball as we used in the first half.
The
second half started as the first half ended with Duddy on top
and playing the ball around in small triangles. Young Mark
was having an impressive debut in right midfield and the usual
fear of a ball over the top to the opposition's left winger
was being eradicated by Simey's useful debut as a right back
that actually has the ability to run quicker than a dead
snail. Brenty was doing well marshalling the defence and
Nipple was having a whale of a time at left back (or should
that read there was a whale at left back all the time). Stam
continued to make surging runs from centre half and we were
actually blessed with the sight of Slobbo having a shot on
goal from 20 yards, for normal people I would be all in favour
of having a go at goal but as this was Slobbo, on his left
foot and there were about 15 players between him and the goal
it was deemed to failure. The ball trickled about 2 yards
before being stopped by a half inch blade of grass. Raul was
looking very composed up front and Jamesie continued to cause
havoc on the left. That coupled with the fact that this normal
bunch of footballers has a superstar of God like status kept
the game well within there reach.
Duddy
continued to apply the pressure and a fine 3 man one touch
move between God, Raul and Willson which ended with the latter
whacking the ball at full pelt into Gods head from 3 yards
completely flooring the messiah. On the regaining of his
composure and ensuring his smouldering good looks were not
disturbed he was told by Willson that he though he was a bit
further down the wing, this brought much amusement to the
sideline and another mini strop from this high maintenance
character. Gary Scott continued to do a fine job of
marshalling the midfield, looking dangerous going forward with
his unable deputy Slobbo. The defence continued to look
strong; in fact the defence were so in control they limited
the opposition strikers to strikes from distance, which they
didn’t take as they seemed more concerned in walking the ball
into the net. As the game moved into its last third Duddy
really started to open the defence and it was only a matter of
time before the breakthrough was made. A lovely move involving
Gary Scott, young Mark, Brenty and Jamesie ended in Brenty
playing Jamesie into the box, Brenty and God both made the
same initial run into the box but the defence made the fatal
error of all following Brenty (still not sussed out why)
instead of God, MIKEY DIXON decided in his Jedi wisdom to
dummy his run peel out to the penalty spot to meet the perfect
cut back from Jamesie and slam the ball in the top corner.
EDIN WINDSOR 1-2 DUDDY.
After
this Duddy were on a containing mission hitting the opposition
on the counter, Stam swapped with Slobbo into centre midfield
and Willson came back on to replace Nipple. Some of the
counter attacking football was a joy to watch and further
shots by Jamesie, Gary Scott and Young Mark troubled the
nearby wildlife. The defence continued to mop up everything
that was thrown at them until God was punished for being so
good by the incompetent ref into conceding a corner. Raul went
down injured and the ref stopped the game with Twiglet in
possession of the ball, a feeble attempt to throw it out of
play reached the edge of the 6 yard box. God in his wisdom
decided to kick the ball back to Twiglet but used normal man
strength in the kick; the ball bowled Twiglet over like a pin
in a ten pin bowling alley and went out for a corner.
Thinking that it would be keeper’s ball anyway, God was
flabbergasted as the ref gave a corner. Fortunately the
opposition decided to give us the ball back but the third mini
strop of the day was evident. So that was that then in terms
of action and Nipple is probably reading this thinking nice
one got away with it, however the last bit of the report
relates to the very last minute of the game. A superb bit of
interplay by Stam and God led to the latter being played
through onto the keeper with a defender shutting him down. 40
yard chips (how much does Chunky wish I was talking about
food), volleys and solo efforts were going through the mind of
the great one, but suddenly like a train (albeit a very high
pitched squealing train) Nipple came running through from
midfield. Sensing that he was in a much better position and
showing the maturity of unselfishness that has graced his play
in recent years God played the most delightful slide rule pass
into Nipple's feet. Running onto it like an express train
that was only working at 5% capacity, Nipple for some reason
decided to take it first time from the edge of the box instead
of taking it in on the keeper for a certain goal. What
happened next should be X rated a slice so big it would make
Chunky's 30th birthday cake portion look reasonably small, the
corner flag was in danger of being uprooted by this shot. At
that point the ref decided enough was enough and blew for full
time.
FT:
EDINBURGH WINDSOR 1-2 DUDDINGSTON ATHLETIC
There
were lots of positives from the game with all the new boys
playing their part and God producing yet another match winning
performance. A good start to pre season and the boys were in
buoyant mood in the showers, although the disappearance of GI
Gee might be the reason why strange squeals were heard from
both Simey and Gary Scott from the showering area. Stam was
given the task of washing the rags we now call strips and the
boys left to go to the pub in optimistic mood for the new
season. Considering we were about 4 or 5 regulars short for
this game and Random was also missing there may be a serious
scrap for the remaining 10 places alongside God. Stam made the
schoolboy error of asking Manager Nibs how he was going to get
back in the team without realising that he actually picks the
team so it really is quite easy.
Motty
signing out.
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