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Sunday 24th November 2002
Edinburgh
All Blacks 5-3 Duddingston Athletic
G’day and
Happy new year your holy baldness, most high emigrater to
country of Holly valance providing and tampering of small
koala bears.
Hello and
Happy New Year to all other people from the top arc of the
globe thing we live in, yes Motty is back.
Anyway
back to the football and a game in which I can hardly remember
what happened, the game was a replay against the All Blacks
after the farce of a match that was played minus a referee in
the Duddy Boys last outing, this ended in a 6-3 defeat and we
were looking for revenge, the game was played on another mud
bath of a pitch at Saughton and it was a day that suited us as
nice football was not on the agenda!
On turning
up at the changing rooms it was immediately evident that the
16 boys that had promised to appear had reduced to 10 when
they seen the cold weather outside, in fact we almost had to
put Sacs, the worlds most dangerous man, in goals but luckily
Ross turned up just in time. The usual suspects were present
apart from GI Gee who has been strangely absent since a
certain song has been brought into circulation, rumour has it
he was in Debenhams looking for a nice new frock for Fred but
I have unconfirmed sightings of him hovering about the
Playhouse area of Edinburgh, and I don’t think he was waiting
for tickets to see the Nutcracker!!
So after
the usual nonsense and banter in the changing rooms, Brenty
Vogts had the tricky job of picking what eleven players
started out of the eleven available………mmmm. After much
deliberation (just call me dictionary boy) the team consisted
off:
Ross,
Sacs, Slobodan Milosevic, Sandy ‘ Lego Man ‘ Christie, Brenty
Vogts, Stevie Young, His Royal Highness(HRH), Nibbs, Alexei
Sayle, Skidmark Nelson, Nippleclamps.
Another
defeat for the brave but useless Duddy boys on a pitch that
would be more at home with the Mudwrestling championships of
which with all our heavyweights we would probably be quite
good at, as it has been so long since this game took place I
have decided in my wisdom to have a very basic and vague match
report beefed up with some random nonsense to fill the page (I
cant even remember yesterday so 3 months ago-nae chance). The
game started really well for Duddy and after two minutes we
were only one nil down as the Fat Trick Hero from the
opposition scored the opener (yes Bugie this guy actually
contacted and appeared in the papers because he scored a quick
hat-trick against the deaf team, the headline in the sun
though put him back in place as it stated ‘Fat Trick Hero’),
after our great start we began to play some decent stuff (told
you my memory was shady), HRH and Skidmark were having much
fun taking the mick out of the Belgian referee who had a
strange habit of saying ‘Goodness gracious me, no’ in a
Belgian accent (obviously because he is Belgian) every time we
appealed for anything. Anyway Duddy were coming right back
into it and a perfect pass from HRH released Alexei Sayle into
the box, the defender put in a ridiculous challenge that would
have felled most normal sized people but not our resident fat
boy who stayed on his feet before cutting the ball back and
hitting the opposition’s hand for an obvious penalty. PAUL
NIBLOE stepped up and put the ball away with all the
confidence of a person with confidence oozing out of there
confidence spores. So all level and just as we started
thinking off taking the lead, the legendary Duddy mini
collapse occurred and before we knew it we were 3-1 down.
Despite the score I think we were slightly on top (but this
could have been the game in 1998, I cant remember) and the
comeback was to start in earnest as PAUL NIBLOE smacked a
cracker into the top corner from 25 yards to show he had
actually been listening at the Mikey Dixon school of fantastic
finishing, things were to get even better 5 mins later when
the inevitable occurred, after a run behind the defence that
would grace any Serie A pitch MIKEY DIXON found himself one on
one with the keeper and there was only going to be one outcome
as a perfect finish behind the onrushing goalie seen the
scores pegged back at 3-3.
That’s how
it remained until half time and the boys were quite confident
as we all stood about pretending to listen to Brenty Vogts
half time team talk. The second half began well for the Duddy
boys with a couple of half chances coming our way before the
second legendary mini collapse of the game arrived to ruin our
chances of victory. Nippleclamps should probably stop reading
now as I’m afraid things go from bad to worse for him, to say
he lost us the game would be harsh but we will just say he was
definitely responsible for us not taking any points home!!!
About midway through the second half and with Duddy marginally
on top a counter attack provided All Blacks with a corner,
this corner was half cleared and was about to be fully cleared
by a fully communicative sacs(eh!!!) until he ran into the
side of a skyscraper which had been built in his path, usually
the worlds most dangerous man would devastate such an item but
this skyscraper was indeed bigger than usual and turned out to
be Nippleclamps the pair of them collapsed in a heap
completely missing the ball to allow the opposition the
easiest of finishes for 4-3. Worst was still to come for the
Nipple as following this All blacks received another corner,
Nippleclamps had done his best the previous week to join in
the own goal shenanigans by hitting the post and this week he
finally achieved his goal so to speak by leathering a
fantastic volley past Ross form 58 yards to make it 5-3. After
this the Duddy boys lost all hope and played out the remaining
15 mins with nothing of interest…or in memory happening.
In saying
that though there is one note of interest that has led to the
eventual retirement of our oldest serving player, yes Bugie
you can rest easy knowing you have outlasted Lego Man
Christie, with 5 mins of the game to go and Sandy using all
his years of experience to stop an oncoming striker (trying to
bring him down) a stramash occurred involving Sandy Lego Man
falling over the striker and dislocating his collar bone, he
has now officially announced his retirement from the team to
move into the over 75’s league of dominoes, we wish him well
and know he will be back to cheer the boys on in his own
special style from the sidelines.
So that
was that then and after a 5-3 defeat the boys rushed back for
a shower so they could make the Hearts-Celtic game, in an
attempt to hold up these Jambo twats, HRH devised a cunning
plan to get to the showers first and stay in there for ages
however in his haste he forgot to remove his socks and
shinguards to firmly concrete his place as the team idiot. So
that was it for 2002, little did we know at the time but this
was to be our last game of the year, we were due to play the
next week but the ref never turned up which was just as well
as only 8 people were able to make it to the game after the
previous nights team night out. I’m sure we will hear a full
report on this event as soon as Slobbo gets his bottom in gear
and gets midweek MOTD on the go. As this is technically the
end of year edition I would like to wish everyone a happy
Christmas and a great new year (Also I had a tip the Edinburgh
new year derby is going to finish 4-4 with Hibs being 4-2 up
in injury time, so rush out and put money on it).
Speak to
you later Bugie.
Motson
Out.
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